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friends Resolution It's rainy and gloomy out today. It started out sunny, but now the sky is gray. Like my mood. I want to share what I've been feeling in the past week or so, because I want you all to be praying for me. I wrote it all out in my diary last night, and, to make things slightly easier on myself, I'm just going to type that out for you all to read. (Tuesday December 27, 2005 night) I've been wanting to write about what's on my heart for a couple of days now; however, I'm not exactly sure how to start. I've always struggled with having a daily "quiet time." I understand how important it is for me to spend time with God; I know how essential it is for my spiritual well-being and growth. Many times I've tried to get a routine going. It will work for a while, but then something will happen, I'll miss a day or two, and it's downhill from there until once again I'm not having any time with God. It's a cycle that never ends, and even though I say I'm going to do better, I never do. Currently, I'm miserable. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like my soul is dead. For about the past week, I guess, the only true emotion I've felt is sadness; my heart feels like it's broken. It literally hurts inside. It's hard to describe, because it's not a physical pain. I guess I've kind of been moping around the house. Nothing has really drawn my attention. Of course, these emotions don't show when I'm around people; I've at least been able to put aside my inner pain when I'm among others, and even laugh and carry on like all is well. At times I'll even forget the entire painful situation. I can tell it's different, though. I'm able to see clearly that I'm not really happy. I've GOT to change. I have one New Year's Resolution this year: Read through the Bible. I read the magazine Brio, and in it they put a plan that gets you through the Bible in a year. So my resolution is to spend time in the Bible and prayer every day, and not miss a single day. My heart is still extremely heavy, though, because already I'm doubting myself. How on earth am I going to be able to accomplish this resolution? School starts back Jan. 3rd, and I'll have homework, and even without a daily Bible reading time I struggle to get to bed on time and get up in the mornings. I haven't even begun reading (the plan starts on New Year's Day, of course) and I'm already convinced that I won't stick to the plan for even a week! But I have to do this! I've experienced in the past how having a time with God every day lifts me up and makes me happy. Of course, I'm not doing this just for my own happiness, but because it's an essential part of my Christian life. Goodness, I'm even a little bit ashamed to call myself a Christian right now; I'm such a hypocrite! I spout off all the right answers to everything, I'm always telling people how important these things are, yet I can't even commit to and maintain a daily time with my God! I get so disgusted with myself sometimes. I don't even feel like I can pray anymore! In the past I've alwyas had a strong prayer life. This time is different, though. I feel completely cut off from God. It's terrible. Satan must be pretty pleased with himself over me. I feel totally ineffective. I need help. I think that, besides thanks for the food, is about the only thing I've prayed in the last few days..."Help me, God! Help me!" Please. Please help me. I can't stand this any longer. Things just have to change. Well, I think I've poured out everything that was in my heart. My poor broken heart...... Thanks for reading, and thank you in advance for your prayers. My Last 5 Updates |
